


Livin' in the Danger Zone

by Trillian_Astra



Category: Les Misérables (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Spies, Archer AU, Crack, Gen, TW: Swearing, omg this is so silly, terrible spies, this is such crack, tw: guns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-14
Updated: 2013-03-14
Packaged: 2017-12-05 07:56:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/720674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trillian_Astra/pseuds/Trillian_Astra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Well</p><p>there's this show Archer. Which is about spies who are really actually quite terrible at being spies. But they look good, so who cares.</p><p>This is the same premise, but with Les Mis characters. That's it that's the idea. Also Eponine and Gavroche are Valjean's adopted kids as well as Cosette, because of reasons.</p><p>Basically, Cosette likes blowing things up, Valjean is tired of this shit, Eponine is the only competent person in the building and Grantaire is drunk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Livin' in the Danger Zone

The door crashed open, revealing Cosette – or Codename Lark – in her usual all-black operational gear. “Father!”

Sitting at his desk, Valjean sighed. “Ah, you’re back.”

“You pulled us out of there! I could easily have finished the job if you’d just LET ME,” she yelled at someone outside the room.

Before Valjean could speak, a weary voice behind Cosette said, “Yeah, and you’d’ve gotten most of the city blown up at the same time.”

Cosette spun around. “I would not, _Eponine_!”

“Uh- _huh_ , of course,” Eponine said before turning to Valjean. “We were able to retrieve the briefcase, contents intact, but SOMEONE got it into her head that we should take out as many of their operatives as possible.”

“Huh,” Cosette said sulkily, folding her arms.

“We’re supposed to be adults. You know, with some sense of responsibility?”

“I have a sense of responsibility!”

“You’ve never been responsible for anything in your life!”

“Have to! I was _responsible_ for blowing up that trading post in Kyrgyzstan!”

Eponine looked at her adopted sister open-mouthed. “That… that’s not what I meant, idiot!”

Valjean slammed a hand down on his desk. “Both of you, be  _quiet_! Is it too much to assume that you have the briefcase with  you?”

Eponine started to answer but he cut her off. “Just nod or shake your head.”

Eponine nodded, and held up the briefcase in her hand.

“Excellent,” he said, “I’ll notify our client. And you two… Cosette, try not to blow anything up, and Eponine, try not to punch her.”

“Fine, papa,” Cosette said with a scowl.

“I’m not making any promises,” Eponine retorted.

“OK, get out of my office.” He looked down at his desk, frowned, then yelled, “Grantaire!”

A moment later, his assistant stumbled into the room, pushing his unruly hair out of his face. “Yes?” the young man said blearily.

“Are you drunk?”

“Um,” Grantaire said, “no?”

Eponine, from the doorway, interrupted. “Oh come on, he’s always drunk.”

“…I distinctly remember telling you to go.”

“All right, Dad, I’ll go… god…” Eponine said as she walked away from the office. She just caught the beginning of one of her father’s lectures as the door slammed shut, and winced in sympathy.

“Hey, ‘Ponine,”

She looked around and saw Marius holding a stack of files. “Oh. Hey…”

“So the.. the mission went well?”

“Everyone got what they wanted and Cosette didn’t blow anything up, so… I guess it did…”

She immediately regretted mentioning Cosette, because he got that dreamy expression that he always got. “Hey, Pontmercy, back to earth now, OK…”

“What?”

“You should just go talk to her.”

“Oh I couldn’t…”

“Well, following her about like a lost puppy is almost guaranteed  not to work.”

“What?”

“She won’t notice. She’ll be too busy trying to shoot things or blow them up.”

“Oh. Um. Thanks for the advice…” He looked dejected and started to walk away.

“Was there something you wanted?”

“Uh. Just some files you need to look over. I’ll leave them in your office.”

“Thanks… and you really should just go talk to Cosette, you know.”

“Yeah, um… maybe.”

~MEANWHILE~

Cosette, who had now changed out of her operational gear into one of the dresses she kept in her office, was in the firing range. She was inspecting one of the handguns that Courfeyrac had been customising for her. “Hmm,” she said, picking up a clip and loading the gun. She levelled the sights at the target, and was about to fire when-

“Can I try?”

She looked down. “Gavroche, what are you doing here? You know what Dad said.”

“Yeah, yeah, _not until you’re sixteen_. He’s not here.”

“You don’t think there are surveillance cameras down here?”

“Oh. I didn’t think of that.”

Cosette ruffled his hair with one hand. “And that, little brother, is why you have me.” She picked up a radio. “Hey, Courf… you know we had that issue with the security cameras?

“Yes?” Came the crackly reply.

“Is that fixed yet?”

“Everything except for the firing range and…” there was a pause and the sound of rustling paper, “…and the canteen. Why?”

“No reason, just checking in,” she said. “Thanks for the update.” She shut the radio off and replaced it. “See? _Intelligence_ , kiddo, you’ve got to gather your intelligence before the mission.”

Gavroche frowned as he thought about it, and she saw his eyes light up as he realised what she was saying. “So I _can_ try?”

“Just once for now. And absolutely NO telling ‘Ponine, OK?”

“OK!” He said, nodding enthusiastically.

“Right… put these ear things on first, we don’t want to deafen you… now stand like this…”

She waited for a second and picked out one of the smallest handguns. He scowled when he saw it. “But _Cosette_ , it’s _t_ _iny_ …”

“It’s big enough for you, kid. Now. Hold it like this,” she said as she held his hands in the right position, “…see the sights there? Look straight along those at the target. And keep both eyes open. OK?”

“Uh-huh!”

“Use the sights to aim at the middle of the target… and just squeeze the trigger really, really gently…”

BANG

The gun fired and a hole appeared in the torso of the paper target. Gavroche looked at his big sister and grinned. “That was the BEST!”

“Yeah you should dial down that smile, or _someone_ will find out about the mission.”

“Oh. OK, yeah. It was still brilliant though.”

“ _What_  was brilliant?”

Cosette gulped. _Fuck_ , she thought as she turned around. “Eponine! Hey, I was just giving Gavroche a… lesson on gun safety.”

Eponine raised an eyebrow. “You were giving our twelve year old brother, _who has never touched a gun in his life_ , a gun safety lesson.”

“Yes! Just because he doesn’t use them doesn’t mean they can’t hurt him! See, I _can_  be responsible!”

Eponine turned  to talk to someone behind her. “Courfeyrac, when was she asking about the cameras?”

“Fifteen minutes ago?” He said as he emerged from the corridor.

“Right. Just call the feeds up, if you don’t mind…”

“Um. Sure, yeah…” he muttered as he went  to the computer terminal. Cosette looked at him, scandalised.

“You _traitor_!”

“Sorry, Cosette… I had orders…” He fixed his gaze on the computer screen and kept working.

“Hmph. Orders from you, I suppose, ‘Ponine?”

Before Eponine could answer another voice rang out. “Orders from me, actually.”

 _Double fuck_ , Cosette thought. “Uh, hello, Dad.”

Valjean walked into the room. “I was worried that someone was using the range outside of training sessions. So when we had those technical difficulties, it was a perfect opportunity to find out who. I just told Courfeyrac here to tell anyone who asked that the range cameras weren’t fixed yet.”

“He was perfectly safe! You think I’d let anything happen to him?”

“I think you’re not the most responsible role model . And you do seem to attract trouble, dear.”

Cosette looked down at her feet. “Sorry, Dad.”

“Hmm. Right. Gavroche, homework, now. Cosette… perhaps you could do something with your time that doesn’t involve weapons? For tonight at least?”

“OK,” she said with a shrug.

“I’m sure Combeferre said something about a whole stack of reports you need to sign off,” Eponine contributed brightly.

“Ugh. _Paperwork_ …”

 

 

 


End file.
